Lucie

Here's a cute pic of my bird Lucie riding around on my wheelchair. I really don't HAVE to be in the wheelchair, it's just easier to use it.

After foot surgery

Here's what my feet look like after surgery.. cute pajamas huh?

Foot Surgery

That brings up a nice mental picture huh? argh...... I just had foot surgery on January 26th. That also happened to be my 51st birthday. Actually it was a good birthday present because now I won't have to suffer with problem feet anymore hopefully.

I had a ganglion cyst removed from my left foot and a morton's neuroma removed from my right foot.

Here's a pic of my left foot before surgery (the cyst). Isn't it funky looking? It made it very difficult to wear shoes. The neuroma made it difficult to wear shoes and to do any exercise. None of this helps in weight loss efforts, not to mention everyday life.

Bron

Orthomolecular Therapy

I'm feeling a lot better since I've started taking supplements. Right now, I'm taking taurine, magnesium, potassium, omega-3's (several different ones), grape seed extract, pharmagaba (love this stuff), vitamin D3, multi-vitamin. I've got a few more to add soon, b-complex, calcium citrate with magnesium and d3, and alpha-lineoc-acid, hmmm not sure I spelled that one right.

So far these supplements have taken away my anger. I had so much anger and I could not control it. Now, the anger isn't even there, so I don't have to control it, it's just gone.

I think that I've managed to stop the hypomanic behavior, but now the supps are pulling me down a little, so I need to balance them back up a bit. I tend to have mixed episodes so I'm sure I will need to take a balance of amino-acids.


I'm giving Kylie some supps also, not as many as I'm taking but I'm starting her up slowly and watching her behavior to see how it's going. She has trouble sleeping, she can't fall asleep, and then she can't stay asleep once she's finally fallen asleep. It's sort of like a fight to stay asleep.

So I'm off to bed, all my supps are kicking in. Oh one more thing, I'm having to very slowly wean myself off clonazepam. I used to take 1mg every night to go to sleep. Now I'm taking .75. After one week I'll go to .50, then .25. I hope this approach will work.

Bron

There are so many crazy things going on around me

I started to say my life is crazy, but really it's not, my life is calm. It's the things going on around me that is out of whack. The people around me are having many problems. My mother, my brother, my sister and my daughter. You can throw my niece in there too, but she's not having as many problems as she used to so for now she can float peacefully.
My brother was just sentenced to prison for a year and a half. Actually 5 months ago he was sentenced to prison for 10 years with 2 years to be served and 8 years probation. He managed to get a lawyer, which my mother is partially paying for, and get himself put into drug court, which is night time drug counseling, where I think you actually sleep there. He was also put into work release. He was a lucky man. Well, he screwed it up. He did things wrong, broke the rules, had personality conflicts with everyone, spent his work time trying to sue the people that stole from him when he was in jail, (his supposed friends stole from him), etc etc. The big thing that really got him thrown out of everything and back in jail was........ wait for it...... he taped a pair of scissors to his leg and took them into drug court, which is again, counseling and where he slept at night. WHY? He had managed to burn his feet somehow, that story is probably not the truth, but anyway he didn't want to deal with the doctors in drug court so he bandaged his feet himself and smuggled the scissors in to cut the tape, dressing whatever. Now tell me people..... does this sound bipolar to you? He's never been diagnosed. Oh the original reason he went to jail in the first place was getting busted for using, selling, doing something with crack cocaine. This is the saddest part of all. He had been clean for 7 years. He had been in NA for 7 years. You know what threw him off the wagon? Hydrocodone that was prescribed to him after he had some teeth pulled. He told my mom much later that he went straight from the hydrocodone right back to crack cocaine, never stopped, never looked back, nothing. Just straight right back to hell on earth.
Now my mother is paying all his bills, has been for 5 months, she is 77 years old, lives on a fixed income, part of which is rent from a rent home that she owns that is just this month becoming vacant, meaning no more rent income for her til it's fixed, carpeted, painted and rented out again. This is all such a mess.
sigh....
but I do have to say, my life is calm, my life is good and I feel good. I attribute it to the omega-3's that I've been taking for the last week or so. They make me calm.

Bron

Klonapin is NOT the answer

OK..... I posted to the about.com bipolar messages board asking if anyone knew about alternatives to medications for treating bipolar. After taking way too much klonapin one day, I decided that I'm tired of being drugged. I'm tired of feeling stoopid, being dizzy, etc etc. This has been going on for 8 years and self medicating many years before that. I'm just tired of it. I got many answers in the forum and one person named Theo answered me with some pretty specific supplements, amino acids, omega-3's to take. He has been very helpful and informative. I've begun taking the omega-3's and so far it has made quite a difference. My brain feels smoothed out a bit, my anger seems to have lessened, I have better focus and I'm all around holding my head up a little higher since I've begun. I've ordered several more supplements, that will get here on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to starting those and when I start those I expect to be able to stop taking klonapin. I've already stopped the Wellbutrin, which is an anti-depressant.

I will be posting here quite often about my journey away from meds and toward a more orthomolecular approach to treating bipolar.

Bron

My Chia Christmas Tree

Kylie gave me a Chia Christmas Tree this year for Christmas. Here's the cute video of it.

Klonapin

Did you know that klonapin is the answer? It's an anti anxiety medication. It's one of the meds I take for bipolar. With life being so hectic and DEMANDING lately, I've gotten a little .... shall we say..... uptight? My pdoc told me to take it during the day when things got tense, but for some reason I resisted this, thinking that I would become addicted, (which I probably will), but anyway I wasn't taking it, I only took it at night. Well.......... yesterday hubby took me out to eat at Applebee's. They have a weight watchers menu btw, so I got to stay on point with my diet. Anyway, after talking with him for a while, telling him all my woes, wishing for some alternative treatment for bipolar, whining, etc., I just decided to take it. I took it right then and there. The rest of the evening was much better. The world became a much better place!

I've already taken klonapin this morning, I waited a little bit too long, because shortly after taking it I made the mistake of walking over to Jackie's house, (my mother) and she gave me the usual "can you do this for me and that for me and that over there for me right now" thing. She makes me angry. Klonapin takes away the anger. I have no business taking care of this woman, and will write a long post about her as soon as I get a chance, but in a nutshell, she was a horrible mom, I grew up with violence, screaming and pure insanity. It's actually what kicked off the bipolar. Listening and witnessing that crap. Yes I'm angry. I'm not fond of her. BUT, she is my mom and I suppose I should take care of her. I'll write more later cuz it's doing my blood pressure no good right now to write about this. So I'll go print off the little things she needs, hand it to her and close the door behind, hoping she will not ask me for anything else today.

Bron

My husband took my mother to the grocery store.

After a huge argument with my mother yesterday, she finally actually went to the grocery store, was dropped off and was picked up later when finished. To me it seems like such a simple thing, but to her, the thoughts of being left alone at the store, of actually asking someone who works at the grocery store for help, was the equivilant of being abandoned somewhere forever.

Hubby dropped her off, went and got the oil changed in his car, after about 2 1/2 hours he went back to the store, helped her check out, brought her home, and unloaded the groceries for her. She rides around the store in a buggy, so the cart is smaller than a regular cart. She asked someone who worked there to help her unload her food into another cart, and watch it while she finished shopping.

Why was it so difficult to get her to do this????? I don't know. It feels to me as if my feelings don't matter at all. It's all about her. Hey, I'm tired, I've got a whole nother difficult life going on besides taking care of her. Apparently her fears, wants, desires are way more important than my exhaustion and mental health.

This argument of "can't I just drop you off and pick you up" has been going on for more than a year. I don't know what turned the corner for her but I'm glad it finally did. It has gotten to the point that I would almost rather be beaten than take her to Walmart. I don't even want to go to Walmart just for my own family anymore. I associate it with agony.

So for now, I'm gotten one day of relief, I hope there's more to come.

Bron

My mother

She's just a pain in the a** sometimes. I really need to get some help with her, but she refuses to use any help. I have to learn to just let her be. I need to go back to my counselor to help me deal with her. I never should have let her build onto my house. I wish we could sell this house and let her go her way. But unfortunately I'm stuck with her until her death, or until she goes into a nursing home.

I had a big argument with her today and got all stressed out so I decided to just go shopping alone. I went to Stein Mart with a great coupon, and got a couple of nice shirts and a pair of earrings. Then I went to Ulta and got this really great stuff from the Bare Minerals line of cosmetics. It's a primer type gel to put on under the mineral foundation. It feels so good I want to put it all over my hands and legs.

My husband is great about it all. He has such patience with me. Somedays, all I need is for him to hold my hand and it makes me feel so much better. It's as if his body takes away the stress from my body.

Bron